Emotional Drainage: Why You Need to Unplug from Toxic Relationships
Emotional Drainage: Why You Need to Unplug from Toxic Relationships
Let’s be honest: God must have an incredible sense of humor. He takes a bunch of imperfect humans, puts us on this chaotic world, and tells us to "all get along."
We see this comedy play out daily, especially in families. I watch my daughter manage her kids, stepchildren, and nieces, and it’s a strategic negotiation that often feels like a beautiful, hilarious mess. Part of me wants to just watch the chaos unfold, and the other part wants to jump in and ensure the precious faces mind their manners.
Here’s the truth we all need to accept: we are all failed parents, spouses, and friends in small ways. Why? Because we are not perfect. And because of our inherent human imperfections, we sometimes find ourselves trapped in toxic relationships. It happens to everyone—with parents, children, spouses, friends, and co-workers.
We all want to give our children something better than what we received. We can all recall moments when our own parents seemed unreasonable, dishonest, or overly critical. There are always two sides to the story, but ultimately, perception is reality.
Your pain from these situations is real. Time may not heal those wounds, but it diminishes the scar. You learn a new normal, but normal is never the same. You can't go back to the way things were; you can only move forward in a different direction.
With that in mind, let’s look at key behaviors that define toxic relationships and how you can reclaim your peace.
The Core Dynamics of Control
Toxic relationships often involve an extreme imbalance of power, making the connection feel draining and suffocating.
1. The Two-Person Sport (Not One)
A relationship requires two people to serve and two people to receive. If one person constantly takes control, makes final decisions without consulting you, or becomes overly bossy, the lines are blurred, and there is a problem. Healthy relationships are a balanced exchange, like a tennis match where both sides participate equally.
2. The Chess Match Mentality
Dealing with a controlling person is like playing a perpetual game of chess. They are always waiting for you to make a move so they can counteract in a way that is beneficial to them. They will work to back you into a corner and make your life miserable until they get what they want, when they want it.
3. The Narcissistic Orbit
A narcissistic relationship involves one person standing still while the other revolves around them. The revolving person exists to adore and admire the narcissist. If you stop revolving, the consequences are manipulation and despair. If you have ever severed a relationship with a narcissist, hats off to you—it is a form of emotional abuse. If you spot one, change direction. It isn’t worth it.
Emotional Drains and Hostility
These behaviors target your mental peace and emotional stability, often making simple conversations feel like a physical chore.
4. The Mental Strain
Have you ever been in a relationship where just talking to someone hurts your head? If you dread conversations and try to avoid them, or if the individual talks so quickly and constantly that you cannot process the information, you need to reevaluate. When talking becomes a physical and mental chore, it’s a sign that the relationship is mentally unhealthy for you.
5. The Loaded Gun
Hostility is destructive. We all have disappointments and triggers, but we shouldn't have to be around a person who is the proverbial loaded gun that could go off at any moment for no reason. Aim for a happy medium: don't be a pushover, but don't be a loaded gun either. Find people willing to share your life in that happy medium.
6. The Eeyore Effect
We all know an Eeyore—pessimistic, gloomy, and constantly negative. While negative people need compassion, be careful not to let them zap your good mood. It is always easier to pull someone down than it is to lift someone up. Protect your optimism.
7. The Drama Magnet
The world is full of self-entitled, self-gratifying people who thrive on drama. They will create chaos and pull you into their show, often seeking pity. To be much happier and healthier, you must stop engaging with the drama.
Recognizing and Protecting Your Worth
The deepest damage caused by toxic relationships is the corrosion of your self-worth. Protecting yourself starts with realizing you are enough.
8. The Erosion of Trust
Trust is earned, and if someone is constantly calling or texting until you answer, they don't fully trust you. An unreliable person will eventually drain you. If someone is constantly letting you down despite their best intentions, they are just saying what you want to hear. Don't be a victim of constant unreliability.
9. Undermining and Whittling
Undermining is gradually damaging or weakening someone. It is like a toxic person slowly whittling away at a stick until nothing is left. An emotional abuser chips away at you until you compromise your character and morals. If faced with someone like this, you must walk away. No one is worth compromising yourself.
10. The Judgment Trap
People are quick to offer an opinion: "You should have done it my way," or "I told you so." While guidance is helpful, judgment is not. Don't let judgmental people, who criticize every choice you make, sway you from a path that betters your life.
11. Silent Retaliation
When you make a toxic person mad, their retaliation is often simple: no communication. They think they are proving a point, but in reality, they are doing you a favor. Use that time to take a deep breath, and know that they will eventually reach out—in an unhealthy way, of course.
A Call to Self-Respect
The final step is to demand respect and refuse to change who you are for approval.
12. You Are Worthy of Respect
As Aretha Franklin said: R-E-S-P-E-C-T means everything. Someone who respects you thinks highly of you and will treat you well. If someone does not respect you—if they aren't polite or kind—they do not need to be in your life. Crucially, you must carry yourself in a way that deserves that respect.
13. Stop the Self-Betrayal
We often fear the disapproval of others so much that we squash our own dreams, personalities, and desires. We change who we are to become more desirable. You must get to the point that you truly don't care what other people think and grasp who you are and what you stand for with both hands.
14. Embrace Your Whole Self
Stop denying who you are and who God created you to be. You are not meant to sacrifice so much of yourself that there is nothing left for you. I was once told by a teacher, "You are awful" after an audition. Those words stuck for years, but I learned that I am good enough, and so are you. You are worthy of someone who believes in you no matter what.
15. Escape the Trap
Toxic relationships make you feel trapped, like scurrying through an underground tunnel only to hit a dead end. If a relationship doesn't feel right, or if your morals are compromised, get out before you reach that dead end.
You are worth so much more. Don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise.
What is one action you can take this week to show yourself the respect and worth you deserve?